Breaking News

New Employment Rules

by Boy Dube
08 January 2013 | 3488 Views
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of illness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.

MATERNITY LEAVE
("Kort-Kort") Pregnacy is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you'll then be allowed to "do" pregnancy. It will only be allowed once you are 10 yrs in service to this company and you will only get 1 (one)  month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to her wife's pregnancy, sickness or even death (He is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker).

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you "intact". To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday!

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to get non-employees of this company to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where any employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse not attending work. However, we require at least two weeks' notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.  In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more, so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.




Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day.
 
Sincerely
Management

PS:  Please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE.


Employment


Disclaimer:
All articles and letters published on Bulawayo24 have been independently written by members of Bulawayo24's community. The views of users published on Bulawayo24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Bulawayo24. Bulawayo24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

Source: Boy Dube

Should Mujuru skip the border and fax her resignation?

Yes
15.37%
No
82.23%
Tough choice
2.4%
1249

Comments

News Updates

Email:

Latest News

Black Rhinos and Shabanie Mine relegated - Triangle . . . . . . . . . ...

by Staff Reporter | 24 November 2014 | 148 Views

Politburo dribbles past Mujuru as Mugabe gets powers to appoint VPs

by Staff Reporter | 24 November 2014 | 462 Views

Mugabe assassination plot suspects runs for dear life

by Staff Reporter | 24 November 2014 | 706 Views

Zanu-PF rejects Mujuru in her home province

by Staff Reporter | 24 November 2014 | 1083 Views

Politburo press statement - Reuben Barwe Video - The Zanu-PF Politburo...

by Reuben Barwe | 23 November 2014 | 2815 Views

Mugabe mocks Goche over hitmen allegations - PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe c...

by Staff reporter | 23 November 2014 | 2317 Views

Man commits suicide after sex row - A MUREHWA who was denied sex by hi...

by Staff Reporter | 23 November 2014 | 2462 Views

Sikhala laughs off 'secret' Mujuru tape - CONTROVERSIAL MDC-T politici...

by Staff Reporter | 23 November 2014 | 2389 Views

Temba Mliswa's Zanu-PF central committee bid blocked - THE Zanu-PF Mas...

by Staff Reporter | 23 November 2014 | 1910 Views

An idiot's guide to Zimbabwe politics - This is Ray Ndlovu's idiot's g...

by Ray Ndlovu | 23 November 2014 | 1147 Views

How Zim road accident can be reduced - Research

by Mbuthi Gugu Mkwananzi (Mr) | 23 November 2014 | 1100 Views

Prophet Magaya disaster victims named - The Zimbabwe Republic Police...

by Staff Reporter | 23 November 2014 | 2028 Views

Elsberry bus accident: Volunteers struggle to pull out trapped driver

by Thomas Arnold | 23 November 2014 | 3094 Views

The demise of Mai Mujuru is a lesson in gender equality gone mad

by Wilbert Mukori | 23 November 2014 | 2207 Views

1st, 2nd wife fight over sleeping on the bed with hubby - A 40-YEAR-OL...

by Staff reporter | 23 November 2014 | 3461 Views

Stepmum caught red-handed with hubby's best friend - A CHITUNGWIZA wo...

by Staff reporter | 23 November 2014 | 4177 Views

Muchinguri, Mutsvangwa retain Zanu-PF central committee posts - OUTGOI...

by Staff reporter | 23 November 2014 | 2577 Views

Caps United are the king makers, hands Dembare the title

by Sports reporter | 23 November 2014 | 3044 Views

Mugabe bullies and bamboozles Mujuru faction into submission but can h...

by Wilbert Mukori | 23 November 2014 | 4445 Views

Politburo upholds votes of no confidence - The Zanu-PF Politburo ended...

by Staff reporter | 23 November 2014 | 3267 Views

Beitbridge road accident scene - Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch...

by Thomas Arnold | 23 November 2014 | 3947 Views

'Why are Zimbabwean people crying so loud?' Mugabe asks - President Mu...

by Nomazulu Thata | 23 November 2014 | 5361 Views

Dynamos vs How Mine and Caps United vs ZPC Kariba - live updates - Dyn...

by Sports reporter | 23 November 2014 | 6437 Views

Proof of same-sex love in the Bible - Most people often condemn homos...

by Cameron Modisane | 23 November 2014 | 4306 Views

Mugabe tightens grip, to anoint his successor

by Reuters | 23 November 2014 | 4846 Views

Tsvangirai humiliates Biti in South Africa

by Dr. Wangu Mazodze | 23 November 2014 | 9657 Views

Family to dig Meyiwa's grave

by NGWAKO MALATJI and NONKULULEKO KHUMALO | 23 November 2014 | 4697 Views

Questions to the People of Matebeleland

by Ndzimu-unami Emmanuel Moyo | 23 November 2014 | 2203 Views

Elsberry bus in fatal road accident - Photos

by Concerned Citizen | 23 November 2014 | 3198 Views

Mugabe confronts Mujuru loyalists

by Staff reporter | 23 November 2014 | 3664 Views

Entertainment

Zanu-PF youths release album - ZANU-PF youths in Nyanga have recorded ...

by Talent Simbi | 22 November 2014 | 1263 Views

Tuku tribute dinner postponed - With all the preparations at a very ad...

by Tuku Music | 21 November 2014 | 2319 Views

Promoters, bouncers clash

by Staff Reporter | 21 November 2014 | 1982 Views

Joy as Mthwakazi artists Unite - 5:03am, Nov 21 - ‪+27 7* *** ****: ...

by Paul Masuku | 21 November 2014 | 1431 Views

Mafikizolo billed for Zimbabwe show - South African music duo Mafikiz...

by Staff reporter | 21 November 2014 | 2720 Views

Miss Zimbabwe's bid for Miss World pageant doomed - Miss Zimbabwe Tend...

by Staff reporter | 20 November 2014 | 2028 Views

Victory for Alick Macheso

by Staff reporter | 20 November 2014 | 6342 Views

Vimbai a 'professional gold digger' - HOTSHOTS: Idris, Macky2 and JJ ...

by Staff reporter | 20 November 2014 | 5826 Views
iBlog

Advanced Systemcare Free To Optimize The Os Still Support Xp

the update systemcare free 7.3.0.456 (a set of tools to optimize the operating system) – now available.advanced systemcare is a free package to optimize, tweak, fix bugs and improve the overall performance of the operating system.the program anal... Read More
ITnews 02 June 2014 ago

Protect Your Greatest Small Business Asset: Time

if your work week is way more than 40 hours, your smartphone is glued to your hand, and your to-do list is multiple pages of overdue tasks—you know how valuable every minute of your time is.your smartphone and tablet make doing business from anyw... Read More
Sergey 05 September 2014 ago