This and that with Maluphosa - Umshado Ongcwele

A 'very kind' young man married his mother a few weeks ago - umtshado omhlophe. It is said that amadlozi told him to marry his own mother so she could belong to the family. I must admit it took a lot of drugging to bring all this kindness to do such a thing. What I have realized over the years is that once a sangoma has failed to heal you, he will set you such a highly impossible task, like sleeping with your own daughter, eating someone else's kaka, or raping you grand-mother, swimming to the centre of a mermaid infested pool, or killing your own child. This is just an indirect way of telling you I have failed. And the sangoma is making sure that you spend a good decade in jail so you do not bother him anymore.     

This kind young man reminded me of Oedipus in Greek mythology. He unwittingly killed his father, Laius, and married his own mother, Jocasta. However, Oedipus married his mother by mistake. This is the basis on which Sigamund Freud developed the Oedipal complex. In classical psychoanalytic theory, the Oedipus complex occurs during the phallic stage of psychosexual development (age 3–6 years) when also occurs the formation of the libido and the ego; yet it might manifest itself at an earlier age. In the phallic stage, a boy's decisive psychosexual experience is the Oedipus complex — his son–father competition for possession of mother. It is in this third stage of psychosexual development (ages 3–6) that the child's genitalia are his or her primary erogenous zone; thus, when children become aware of their bodies, the bodies of other children, and the bodies of their parents, they gratify physical curiosity by undressing and exploring themselves, each other, and their genitals, so learning the anatomic differences between "male" and "female" and the gender differences between "boy" and "girl".

Despite mother being the parent who primarily gratifies the child's desires, the child begins forming a discrete sexual identity — "boy", "girl" — that alters the dynamics of the parent and child relationship; the parents become objects of infantile libidinal energy. The boy directs his libido (sexual desire) upon his mother, and directs jealousy and emotional rivalry against his father — because it is he who sleeps with his mother. Moreover, to facilitate union with mother, the boy's id wants to kill father (as did Oedipus), but the pragmatic ego, based upon the reality principle, knows that the father is the stronger of the two males competing to possess the one female. Nonetheless, the boy remains ambivalent about his father's place in the family, which is manifested as fear of castration by the physically greater father; the fear is an irrational, subconscious manifestation of the infantile Id.
                        
Unresolved son–father competition for the psycho-sexual possession of the mother might result in a phallic stage fixation, conducive to a boy becoming an aggressive, over-ambitious, vain man. These cases are rare, of course, and the case of the kind young man demonstrates the effects of fixation. Therefore, the satisfactory parental handling and resolution of the Oedipus complex are most important in developing the male infantile super-ego, because, by identifying with a parent, the boy internalizes Morality, thereby, he chooses to comply with societal rules, rather than reflexively complying in fear of punishment. But this young man's case is as complex as they come. He chooses this path from fear of the super-natural not punishment by society. At the same time, both want society to believe that there is definitely nothing happening between them. Frank Yerby will tell us that there is no relationship that is purely platonic and innocent; we, as supposedly morally correct animals, should be able to rule the subconscious or id, and do the right thing.        

But this marriage must be seen as the ultimate crown for the son after successfully annihilating his father everyway possible. I believe it was a relentless war made of many nasty battles. The obvious casualties were the young man's family and his father's family too. To some extent, the mother and boy are in the psychological intensive care unit; will the mother accept a makoti in this home? Will the boy accept a babomcane to 'play' with umama?    
                                   
But Godlwayo believes these are just the ears of a hippo. The story, as reported, leaves a lot to be desired. The unforeseen ripple effects, will make 9/11 kindergarten stuff. The young man is said to have been happily married until amadlozi ordered him to marry his mother. Everything fell apart when he refused, until his wife left under a great veil of secrecy. I would love to have heard her side of the story. The father also might have a very mnandi story for us. But still it is not a secret that, omamazala and omakoti have been on each other's throats for centuries and there is no sign that this war will ever end. The arrival of '- a stranger to take away my son- ' is just not acceptable to the over-possessive mother who prides herself over two potent males fighting over her. You know some of the unsavory comments that family spit when one decides to get married; 'Kala choice umfana';                    
               
And the girl; kafundanga; kamfanelanga; umosh'imali yomntanami; yisalukazi; he married a gold digger; he married a bitch; she is a control freak; yinyumba; she comes from umuzi wabathakathi; uyanembuluka nje ungathi yingcuba; uqom'zaquleke. More often than not the mother has already set you some standards, as Charles Dickens shows us in 'Sons and Lovers'. You must marry a lady – not just any commoner. It is possible that this kind young man's mother had also set standards for her son, ' – some one like me, not just any quack!' And amongst all the women the boy might have dated, his mother was the only one who was '-like me.' The man finds himself between the devil and the sea; if he chooses the wife, the mother disowns him; if he chooses the mother, the wife takes flight. And what would you call the children obazala lo mama wakho? Tricky, isn't it? And where were the malumes and aunties, obabomncane and odadewabo mfana? Asenzeni kuhle!

Ngiyabonga mina! 

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